The 10 Most Boring Movies I’ve Seen

How can you tell if a movie is boring? If it makes you doze off in an uncomfortable theater seat even when you’re pumped about watching it, and well-rested and had a good night’s sleep. I sure as hell wasn’t sleepy or tired when I entered the movie theater for these films, but it took other moviegoers stepping on my toes as they made a beeline for the exits to wake me up and make me realize the credits were already rolling.

Now most of these movies may be critically acclaimed or have won awards, but I might as well have been hit on the head with their trophies and they would have had the same effect on me. And that would have been a whole lot better. At least I wouldn’t have to pay just to get some sleep.

1. The Thin Red Line

To hell with critics who relentlessly hail this film as one of the best of 1988. The presence of John Travolta, George Clooney, John Cusack, Sean Penn and all those other stars couldn’t stop me and the rest of the audience from catching Zs halfway through the movie. One of the most boring all-star snoozefests ever.

2. The English Patient

They should rename this Oscar Best Picture winner “The English Patience”, because that is what the audience would need to sit through two love stories set during the Second World War.

3. Master and Commander

The trailer for this Russell Crowe starrer has got to be one of the most misleading ever. Sure, the cannons and muskets going off are still in the movie, but they only comprise about a fourth of the film. The rest was mostly about two grown men gaily playing stringed instruments, exploring islands for strange creatures or mostly talking about stuff the audience couldn’t care less about.

4. Alexander

I had such high hopes for Alexander, considering that the Macedonian conqueror was one of the most fascinating characters in history. What Oliver Stone gave us, however, was a film that dwelled a bit too much on Alexander’s suspected bisexuality, with ho-hum battle scenes in between.

5. The Royal Tenenbaums

You would think that a comedy that has Ben Stiller, Owen Wilson, Gene Hackman and Bill Murray in the cast would be a laugh-out lout affair, not a snore out loud one.

6. Mission To Mars

The only interesting part of the movie was the instant mummification of Tim Robbins’ character as he removed his helmet while still in space. Thankfully, I slept through the film after that and mercifully avoided the ultra-corny ending that my friend grumbled endlessly about on our way out of the theater.

7. House of the Dead

How can a movie about zombies ever be boring? Simple: get German director Uwe Boll to direct it, and the Zs come real easy.

8. 2001 A Space Odyssey

Admittedly, the film is really good for a science fiction film from the 60s, but it took me about six viewings before I finally got to finish the movie and see Dave Bowman’s metamorphosis into the “Star Child”. Maybe it’s HAL’s soothing voice that kept bearing down my eyelids the whole time, I’m not really sure.

9. The Ninth Gate

This has got to be the most boring and most confusing Johnny Depp movie ever. I tried watching it on video and I still couldn’t keep my eyes open long enough to figure out what the hell the movie was all about.

10. Caligula

All the gore and hardcore sex in this movie didn’t matter. It was boring with a capital D. Just proves that sex really is overrated.

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