20 George Carlin Quotes, Minus the Seven Dirty Words
George Carlin, who died Sunday of heart failure at the age of 71, may have become an American comedic icon with his "Seven Words" routine, which got him arrested in Wisconsin after performing it there in 1972, for, of all things, "disturbing the peace".
But apart from the obscenities that peppered his act, Carlin, who I first saw as the time-traveling guru Rufus in “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure”, was also a genius at coming up with cracks, minus the profanity, about everyday stuff that are not only very funny, but also wise and, more often than not, made us look at things and ourselves in a different light as well.
1. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
2. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
3. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
4. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
5. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
6. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
7. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
8. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
9. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
10. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
13. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
14. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
15. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
16. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
17. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
18. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child whose self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
19. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
20. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
George Carlin, you will sorely be missed.
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