It is human instinct to try and survive anything, from nuclear holocausts and planet-killing asteroids, to killer viruses and zombies. However, if we try to brush all our fears aside for a minutes and analyze what’s in store for us in the aftermath of the apocalypse, we’d probably be holding an end of the world party right where Ground Zero would be, and get vaporized in an instant and in the process be spared from the following:
1. The Smell
Unless the disaster that will end our world is a huge solar flare that will give new meaning to the phrase “scorched earth”, there will be hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions of survivors all over the world. On the other side of the coin will be BILLIONS of dead and rotting bodies, both animal and human. And if zombies are walking the planet, the smell would be exponentially worse. Not even industrial strength Lysol would suffice to wipe the stink away for eons to come.
2. Food and Water Shortages
Comets, asteroids, nuclear weapons, an alien invasion, the shifting of the Earth’s crust or a deluge worthy of Noah are all cataclysms that involve massive destruction of property, infrastructure, and food and water supplies. No sense surviving the initial impact only to die, extremely painfully at that, of starvation and dehydration a short time later.
A zombie apocalypse, on the other hand, tends to keep malls and grocery shops intact even as billions of people become the walking dead or end up as food for the walking dead. That means lots of canned goods and other processed foods for survivors who are lucky or smart enough to hole up in a shopping mall or a supermarket. That, however, leads directly to…
3. Dying of a heart attack or stroke from eating canned goods regularly
Canned goods are a good source of sodium, but sodium, when taken in excess, increases blood pressure and puts anyone at risk for a heart attack or a stroke. And eating canned goods three times daily for their typical two-year duration surely qualifies as taking in excessive sodium, don’t you think?
4. Being made a sex slave by marauding gangs
We all know the cliché about bad situations bringing out the worst in people. The problem is, this is one cliché that has proven to be true throughout history. And an apocalypse will be worse, as all bets would be off then. Forget law and order; it’s human decency that would be flushed down the toilet should the apocalypse come. Murder and rape would become a part of everyday life, because, let’s face it, there really are people in this world who get off on that sort of thing. Imagine those people coming together to form a gang and roaming around hunting for survivors. No one would want to end up like those women in Stephen King’s The Stand where the bad guys run a length of barbed wire across their vajayjays just for kicks.
5. No Electricity
No more TV, computers, video games, A/C, movies and ice cold beer. Again, power plants would probably still be operational after a zombie or virus apocalypse, but who will be left to run them? We’ll have a meltdown faster than you can say “tsunami”.
6. No More Sports
The NFL, MLB, NHl and the NBA will be gone, and so will be the cheerleaders who, for a lot of people, are the only reason they watch games live in the first place. No more LeBron James to hate, and no more Maria Sharapova upskirts. Taking its place will be death matches where food or other supplies are offered up as prizes. Now that would be a neat idea, if only it would have TV coverage, but electricity would be a thing of the past by then, so no dice.
7. No More Porn
8. No Internet
Facebook, Google+, YouTube and gossip blogs will all be but a memory. If anyone out there’s actually having an end-of-the world bash at any predicted Ground Zero sites, count me in for front row tickets.
9. Not Knowing Who “The Mother” is In How I Met Your Mother
If the apocalypse pushes through on December 21, 2012 as that ancient calendar and millions of other doomsayers predicted, then How I Met Your Mother will have just started its projected eighth and final season by then, and the identity of the mother will not have been revealed just yet, before the world as we know it ends. Unless Neil Patrick Harris survives and you bump into him leading one of those marauding gangs mentioned above or something.
10. No More Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black...
…On second thought, THIS might be a good enough reason to try to survive an apocalypse after all!
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