Top 10 Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Try To Survive An Apocalypse

It is human instinct to try and survive anything, from nuclear holocausts and planet-killing asteroids, to killer viruses and zombies. However, if we try to brush all our fears aside for a minutes and analyze what’s in store for us in the aftermath of the apocalypse, we’d probably be holding an end of the world party right where Ground Zero would be, and get vaporized in an instant and in the process be spared from the following:

1. The Smell

Unless the disaster that will end our world is a huge solar flare that will give new meaning to the phrase “scorched earth”, there will be hundreds of thousands, maybe even millions of survivors all over the world. On the other side of the coin will be BILLIONS of dead and rotting bodies, both animal and human. And if zombies are walking the planet, the smell would be exponentially worse. Not even industrial strength Lysol would suffice to wipe the stink away for eons to come.

2. Food and Water Shortages

Comets, asteroids, nuclear weapons, an alien invasion, the shifting of the Earth’s crust or a deluge worthy of Noah are all cataclysms that involve massive destruction of property, infrastructure, and food and water supplies. No sense surviving the initial impact only to die, extremely painfully at that, of starvation and dehydration a short time later.
A zombie apocalypse, on the other hand, tends to keep malls and grocery shops intact even as billions of people become the walking dead or end up as food for the walking dead. That means lots of canned goods and other processed foods for survivors who are lucky or smart enough to hole up in a shopping mall or a supermarket. That, however, leads directly to…

3. Dying of a heart attack or stroke from eating canned goods regularly

Canned goods are a good source of sodium, but sodium, when taken in excess, increases blood pressure and puts anyone at risk for a heart attack or a stroke. And eating canned goods three times daily for their typical two-year duration surely qualifies as taking in excessive sodium, don’t you think?

4. Being made a sex slave by marauding gangs

We all know the cliché about bad situations bringing out the worst in people. The problem is, this is one cliché that has proven to be true throughout history. And an apocalypse will be worse, as all bets would be off then. Forget law and order; it’s human decency that would be flushed down the toilet should the apocalypse come. Murder and rape would become a part of everyday life, because, let’s face it, there really are people in this world who get off on that sort of thing. Imagine those people coming together to form a gang and roaming around hunting for survivors. No one would want to end up like those women in Stephen King’s The Stand where the bad guys run a length of barbed wire across their vajayjays just for kicks.

5. No Electricity

No more TV, computers, video games, A/C, movies and ice cold beer. Again, power plants would probably still be operational after a zombie or virus apocalypse, but who will be left to run them? We’ll have a meltdown faster than you can say “tsunami”.

6. No More Sports

The NFL, MLB, NHl and the NBA will be gone, and so will be the cheerleaders who, for a lot of people, are the only reason they watch games live in the first place. No more LeBron James to hate, and no more Maria Sharapova upskirts. Taking its place will be death matches where food or other supplies are offered up as prizes. Now that would be a neat idea, if only it would have TV coverage, but electricity would be a thing of the past by then, so no dice.

7. No More Porn

‘Nuff said.

8. No Internet

Facebook, Google+, YouTube and gossip blogs will all be but a memory. If anyone out there’s actually having an end-of-the world bash at any predicted Ground Zero sites, count me in for front row tickets.

9. Not Knowing Who “The Mother” is In How I Met Your Mother

If the apocalypse pushes through on December 21, 2012 as that ancient calendar and millions of other doomsayers predicted, then How I Met Your Mother will have just started its projected eighth and final season by then, and the identity of the mother will not have been revealed just yet, before the world as we know it ends. Unless Neil Patrick Harris survives and you bump into him leading one of those marauding gangs mentioned above or something.

10. No More Justin Bieber, Rebecca Black...

…On second thought, THIS might be a good enough reason to try to survive an apocalypse after all!

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8 Things I Like About Transformers: Dark of the Moon

It’s official. Michael Bay is this generation’s Ed Wood. The only difference between the two is that the former has an astronomically bigger budget to make bad movies with, and sadly, an astronomically bigger gross at the box office, thanks to suckers like us.

There are just too many things wrong with Transformers: Dark of the Moon that they can actually be desensitizing, especially when the entire Internet is filled with nothing but loathing for it. So, for the sake of positivity, which my shrink says I need loads of, I’m listing the things that I actually DID LIKE about the movie, terrible filmmaking notwithstanding.

For those fortunate enough not to have seen the latest (and thankfully, THE LAST) Transformers movie yet but are still planning to go, some SPOILERS AHEAD.

1. Alan Tudyk

Sci-fi TV and Joss Whedon fave Tudyk plays John Turturro’s effete assistant Dutch, who for the briefest of moments channels his character Alpha from the now-cancelled series Dollhouse and transforms into a badass.

10 Former Cheerleaders for Professional Sports Teams Who Became Famous

One really good thing about watching NBA, NFL and MLB games live is that you can get that close not only to the sports action, but to another kind of action as well: the dancing girls. Yes, cheerleaders have become as indispensable in professional sports as the players themselves. Without …

Top 10 Ryan Dunn Stunts

Ryan Dunn, an original member of the Jackass crew, died Monday morning in a car crash at the age of 34. Of all the Jackasses, Dunn was one of the more likeable ones, mainly because he didn’t come across as much of a douche the way Bam Margera and the others did. He was in fact one of the less outspoken members of the group. He, however, was no less daring than anyone in Jackass. Here are 10 of his most memorable stunts.

P.S: These are my favorite Ryan Dunn moments. If you feel like I missed a stunt or posted lame ones here, go say so in the comments or make your own list.

10. Super Mighty Glue

The most disturbing and hysterical use of super glue, ever.

10 Things LeBron James Can Do To Lessen The Hate

There is no doubt that LeBron James is the most hated man in basketball today. Practically everyone outside Miami rooted for the eventual champions, the Dallas Mavericks. Not because they’re Mavs fans, but because they all want to see LeBron fail, and fail he did, in pathetic fashion no less. He remains ringless after eight seasons in the league.

But I still believe James will get his rings. At 26, he still has a dozen or so years’ worth of shots at the Larry O’Brien trophy. However, James needs more than just pure talent to win. He needs all the positive vibes he can get, and he won’t be getting any of that anytime soon, what with more than half the world wanting him to lose. Whether LeBron admits it or not, his performance has been affected by all the hate, that he actually wants to be liked. Here are some of the things he can do to actually get there.

Top 10 Former ’90s Child Stars Gone Naked

What’s the most clichéd thing a child star can do to shed the innocent cuteness they first became famous for to make people realize they’re not kids anymore? Get naked, of course.

Like so many before them, these child actors from the 1990s shed their clothes and even did some nasty onscreen stuff to obliterate whatever memory people had of them as cute little children. And boy, did that work.

10. Lindsay Lohan

First known for: Playing twins in 1998′s The Parent Trap, made when she was 11.

Gone naked in: New York Magazine in 2008, not to mention countless lip and nip slips.

10 Awesome White Martial Artists In Movies Not Named Chuck Norris

There was a time when people equated martial arts with Asians. Can’t blame them really, as it was Bruce Lee who first made cinematic fighting look really good. But with the emergence of Chuck Norris, the most awesomest action hero ever of all time to the nth power, a lot of white boys have followed suit. While the likes of Jet Li and Donnie Yen and Tony Jaa are without a doubt still the best in the onscreen fighting business, movie martial arts are at least no longer their exclusive territory.

Here are ten white dudes who picked up where Chuck Norris left off.

1. Ray Park

At the age of 16, Ray Park was already a martial arts champion, and continued winning tournaments around the world as he grew older. He later did stunt work for films like Mortal Kombat. His portrayal of the Sith Lord Darth Maul in The Phantom Menace led to roles in other big movies, a number of them just as incognito as he is in the Star Wars prequel. His fighting skills, however, are there for everyone to see.

10 Bullies Get Pwned Videos

There was a time when bullies actually lorded it over schools and neighborhoods. Not anymore. The bullied are starting to fight back. Or at least getting someone else fight back for them, compared to the times when all people did was watch, particularly when the trouble involves women. The point is, bullies are starting to get what they deserve. And thanks to modern technology and the Internet, we get to see all that via videos on Youtube. For anyone who has been bullied, these guys are heroes.

1. Bully Becomes Someone’s Bitch

Bully wants to fight, the bullied didn’t want to, bully attacks the bullied, and bully becomes the bullied’s bitch. That’s the way it should be.